Sometimes...

Sometimes, late at night, or when I find myself suddenly awake in the middle of the night, I can feel how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things.  It is more than a feeling, it is a knowing.  I know.  Deep in the recesses on my mind, I know that my life has no significance whatsoever.

Sometimes, when such thoughts and knowings are saturating my consciousness, I realize I am not sad.  But I do feel alone.  Terribly alone.  My sweet daughter. The man who I thought might love me. That friend I adore, or my sisters who connect me to my past...they all fall away.  And I am left alone.  So fucking alone.

Sometimes, when I accept how alone we each are in this world, and how futile is our effort to make a connection with another, I can sense my mind hurtling through space and time.  I am tumbling.  There is no place firm to land.  As I free fall, my heart races, my breath is shallow and I wonder if "this" might be it for me.  There is nothing holding me here on this side of the infinite darkness that surrounds me.  I am lost, yet found, at the same time.

Sometimes, as me and my nothingness hurl thru space and time, one of my cats will jump up on the bed and burrow in close to me.  The soft fur, the breath falls, the warmth of the cat's body...all bring me back.  I'm no longer hurtling into nothingness.  I am here.  With a soft warm purring cat lying next to me.

And sometimes, this is enough.