I don't know where to start, so I'll just dive in... Early Wednesday morning July 5, Marzipan was attacked by another animal(s) in our driveway. I found him a short while after the attack quite dead from the injuries he sustained.
All day long, I kept him inside away from the fireworks and in a separate part of the house, away from the dogs I was caring for. Cats were on one side of the house. Dogs in another. After dark and after several hours of lots and lots of fireworks, things seemed to quiet down. What I did next I will always regret. After begging for whole minutes to go outside, in a moment of poor judgement, I opened the front door and let him out. I intended it to be for only a ten, maybe fifteen, minute break. But, Marzipan never returned. Several hours later, when I found him, he was stiff, and chewed up by what appears to have been some loose dogs who cornered him in his own damn driveway.
I'm numb. I'm sick. I'm in a state of disbelief. Given his age, I knew sometime would be his last time, which made me wonder what a Marzipan-less life might be like. How will I walk the dogs knowing he isn't anywhere behind? How will I get to sleep without his warm, purring body against mine? What will it be like to pull up in the driveway and not have him greet me? These all felt like such esoteric questions for "someday".
But, this day is now. Now starts my life without Marzipan. And I'm not ready.
If you knew Marzipan you maybe understand how his death leaves such a void. He was such a huge personality. When he looks at you, "He looks right into your soul," Tori once said about him. The stories about him are seemingly endless. Like, the time he hitched a ride home in a low-rider. Or, the time the neighbor found Marz inside his house and sleeping on his bed. Or, how willingly he rode in a car. He accompanied me when I walked the dogs as if it was his job. Once, he followed me all the way around Sloans Lake. More than once he followed me to Loretto Heights Park and back. He would follow me anywhere, if I let him.
But, ever since his death, I continue to see him out of the corner of my eye. Everywhere. In the doorway. On the couch. Outside on the porch. Crossing the street.... Maybe he isn't all the way gone, yet? I plan to set up an offrenda/shrine like thingy in my front yard, behind the bush where he liked to watch the world go by. I need something tangible.
This grief will come in waves for while and catch me off guard with sweet memories and endless tears. It's just something I have to get thru. No shortcuts allowed. Meanwhile, please know how grateful I am for the kindness each of you showed my cat these many years. So very grateful.
