The Day Before My Surgery

After ten plus years of scheduling, then unscheduling to try a new  intervention, then rescheduling, then unscheduling to try something else, I'm finally going down the rabbit hole.  Tomorrow I am having  the cornea of my left eye removed and a dead person's cornea sewn in its place. A cornea transplant surgery. Not as intense as a kidney transplant or other organ transplants as there is no blood in the eye. The chance of rejection is greatly reduced. However, the recovery time and conditions under which are significantly onerous.  I am a little nervous and thought I'd capture my "before" thoughts and ruminations here. 

How did I get here? Back in 1984 I had elective surgery on my eyes. A precursor to lasik. I had what was called radial keratotomy. Dr. Hines here in Denver performed the procedure. For the first ten or so years after, it was a success. I saw great out of both eyes. 20:20.  Contacts were never an option for me and I was too vain to wear my glasses full time. I always thought my blue eyes were my best feature and I was loathe to want to cover them up with a pair of glasses. My vanity is responsible for where I am now.  

Dr. Hines was all over the TV back then. He advertised himself as the, "Eye doctor of the Denver Broncos".  I mean, wouldn't trust him, right?  And, as predicted, after ten years or so I started to need reading glasses. Then, not as predicted, my left eye began failing me. One doctor said my cornea in that eye looked like bubble wrap. I was back in glasses. My right eye was still doing ok, but the lens in my left eyeglass kept getting thicker and thicker. Can you say "coke bottle"?  I tried what was called Sclera contacts specifically engineered for my one eye. But like the contact lenses of my youth, I was never able to wear them comfortably for more than a couple of hours. The prescription max'd out about three years ago.  Two years ago my cataracts finally grew to be large enough to qualify for surgical removal. I went to my now familiar surgeon for this procedure and he tried his best to modify the new lens to correct some of my cornea issues.  But no luck. 

I basically see only light and shadow out of my left eye. But here's what is amazing about eyesight: your brain will try to make up the deficit for what your eyes can't see. I don't know what I don't see. I think I am seeing something. I think I see everything. It isn't until I get closer, or the light gets brighter or I tilt my head a certain way, that I am able to truly see what it is I'm looking at.  Depth perception is my greatest struggle. Going down stairs is treacherous. Hiking downhill is frustrating. I gave up mountain bike riding several years ago as I could no longer see how far logs in the  trail were, or how far a drop off a rock might be.  Yet I continued driving. Much to the dismay of those who were away of my lack of visual acuity.  I learned if I followed a pair of tail lights at night I could navigate. I learned to always look for the right lane marking as I frequently mis-saw lane markings on my left side. Once, I screeched to a halt thinking I was about to go over a really big bump in the road. A second later I realized it was a shadow and not a bump. So many stories like this. 

After going thru many evaluations to confirm everything behind my cornea is functioning properly, I was approved for this transplant.  It is about a two hour long procedure. I won't be staying overnight. Rather AL will bring me home and stay with me thru my first follow up visit the next day. I have a second follow up visit a week later. Then, assuming all is progressing as it should, I will start returning to my surgeon every two weeks for the next four months to get a stitch here, and a stitch there removed. At four months, I quit going every two weeks, and stay with what ever number of stitches remain until a year post surgery. Then these last stitches are removed. It is only then will we know for sure if the surgery was a success. Sometimes, when the last stitch or two is removed, the cornea will turn into amorphous jelly and I'm back where I started.

So, that's where I've been, and where I'm going. 

I am not as stressed as I thought I'd be. I am definitely distracted and THIS is all I can think about. My social life will be severely restricted in the beginning as I will be at high risk for infection. I also will not be able to lift anything heavy or do any activity that will raise my heart rate, for fear of popping a stitch. I don't know for sure if these restrictions are for the first four months only, or for the whole year. 

It's a crazy commitment, but I feel as though I have no choice. While getting all the preliminary evaluations done, they found the very beginnings of macular degeneration in my right eye. My good eye. It could be decades before I'll be impacted by it, but they don't do this transplant surgery after age 70. As I'll be 68 in February, I think this might be my only chance to preserve what eyesight I have. 

My life will be different afterward. Both short term and long term. If successful, no more double vision or lack of depth perception. If not successful, I guess I'll continue learning all the various ways to adapt. We humans are such adaptable creatures. Thank goodness.

Here's looking at you! (heh-heh-heh)

Shelf Toilets

 Disclaimer: An actual turd was NOT used in the making of the accompanying photo.

During my fourteen days here in The Netherlands, I've experienced some new things, but nothing prepared me for the decidedly Dutch attraction to shelf toilets.

Historically, the inspection shelf toilet design was widely adopted in the Netherlands due to the challenges of disposing waste in a country with a high water table. The shelf design helped facilitate inspection and cleaning of the waste, which was important in areas where drainage systems were limited. 

Having worked a brief lifetime in the water treatment industry, I was amazed to learn that it wasn't until as recently as 2017 that all of Amsterdam was linked to a sanitary sewer system. Prior, all sewage went directly into its canals. Even as modern sewage infrastructure has expanded, many Dutch still prefer the inspection shelf style. There is a perception that these toilets are more hygienic and easier to keep clean compared to standard bowl designs. The shelf design is also seen by some as more water-efficient.

Despite my research into the reasoning behind such a toilet, and my now fourteen days' worth of experience using one, I am not swayed. I look forward to hearing the familiar, "plunk-plunk-ker-PLUNK" sound of my turds hitting the water.

Today

 A friend of mine who 

Wade is not completely sure of yet

Approached.

And as he did, Wade

retreated

Retreated back to my side. 

Pressing into my leg.

Holding my pants.

And in that moment, everything

that ever happened to me

disappeared

And all that remained 

was knowing I am 

This sweet soul's Safe Place

Top Hats

Al typically wears cargo pants or shorts. Says the pockets are his purse. One for his reading glasses. Another for his driving glasses. A pocket for his cell and another for his wallet. Since his back surgery, he has changed from wearing cargo pants to wearing coveralls. As he has to wear a back brace wherever he goes right now, adding that to a pair of cargo pants and belt was just too much. 

Coveralls were the perfect solution. All of the pockets that cargo pants provide, with no need for a belt.

Then Ayla tells me that Abraham Lincoln favored top hats as he could carry stuff in it, under his hat. She said Al didn't need cargo pants or coveralls. 

What he needed was a top hat.

 "I'm in serious trouble if Duluth Trading Company ever comes up with cargo top hats," I said.

A few hours later, Ayla says she entered this idea into ChatGPT. This was Chat's response:

Introducing the Duluth Cargo Top Hat – where rugged style meets functionality! Crafted with durable materials, this hat seamlessly combines the classic top hat elegance with the practicality of cargo pockets. Perfect for those who demand both sophistication and utility, it features multiple pockets for stashing essentials on the go. From outdoor adventures to urban exploration, conquer every terrain with the perfect blend of fashion and function.

 I worry I may have created a market where there previously was none.

Nancy: The Fixer

For reasons I don't know, thoughts of my oldest sister, Nancy, have flooded my mind these past several days. Nancy was thirteen years older than me.  Nancy was pregnant with my first niece, Terri, only weeks after Mom delivered my younger sister, Lydia.  Despite the near constant upheaval and turmoil that dominated Nancy's life, she was always regarded as, "The Fixer," by the immediate family in times of crises.

I considered this role of Nancy's. Why oh why did we seek her counsel during those darkest of times? I may never learn the answer to that question. Regardless, in times of crises, Nancy ALWAYS rose to the occasion. 

She knew what to do. She directed. She delegated. She networked. She always said yes.  How many nights did I spend as a teen at her place when Mom and Dad were their most violent?  Who did Lydia go to when she needed to leave a marriage? Who did Susan send Ray to when he needed a new home? Who did Bill call when he lost his job? Who did Mom lean on when Grandma died?

Yet, Nancy was, by far, the most troubled of us all. The one with  the most heartache and hardship. Drama filled Nancy's life.  

Nancy was a prodigy. A genius. She was morbidly obese and a chain smoker. 

She read Heidi out loud to me when I was in elementary school. She took me to see Rosemary's Baby at the drive-in when I was 13. She let me sleep on her couch so many times in my life. 

All of us knew: You can always stay with Nancy.

So, yeah. I've been thinking a lot about Nancy in recent days. Not sure why. Probably an old age thing.  

If any of you reading this have some similar Reflections of Nancy, please share!

Nancy, w Terri on her lap. Mom (l) Grandma (r)

The Hard Goodbyes are the Hardest

I don't know where to start, so I'll just dive in... Early Wednesday morning July 5, Marzipan was attacked by another animal(s) in our driveway. I found him a short while after the attack quite dead from the injuries he sustained. 

All day long, I kept him inside away from the fireworks and in a separate part of the house, away from the dogs I was caring for. Cats were on one side of the house. Dogs in another. After dark and after several hours of lots and lots of fireworks, things seemed to quiet down. What I did next I will always regret. After begging for whole minutes to go outside, in a moment of poor judgement, I opened the front door and let him out. I intended it to be for only a ten, maybe fifteen, minute break. But, Marzipan never returned.  Several hours later, when I found him, he was stiff, and chewed up by what appears to have been some loose dogs who cornered him in his own damn driveway. 

I'm numb. I'm sick. I'm in a state of disbelief. Given his age, I knew sometime would be his last time, which made me wonder what a Marzipan-less life might be like. How will I walk the dogs knowing he isn't anywhere behind? How will I get to sleep without his warm, purring body against mine? What will it be like to pull up in the driveway and not have him greet me? These all felt like such esoteric questions for "someday". 

But, this day is now. Now starts my life without Marzipan. And I'm not ready.

If you knew Marzipan you maybe understand how his death leaves such a void. He was such a huge personality. When he looks at you, "He looks right into your soul," Tori once said about him. The stories about him are seemingly endless. Like, the time he hitched a ride home in a low-rider. Or, the time the neighbor found Marz inside his house and sleeping on his bed. Or, how willingly he rode in a car. He accompanied me when I walked the dogs as if it was his job. Once, he followed me all the way around Sloans Lake. More than once he followed me to Loretto Heights Park and back. He would follow me anywhere, if I let him. 

But, ever since his death, I continue to see him out of the corner of my eye. Everywhere. In the doorway. On the couch. Outside on the porch.  Crossing the street.... Maybe he isn't all the way gone, yet? I plan to set up an offrenda/shrine like thingy in my front yard, behind the bush where he liked to watch the world go by. I need something tangible.

This grief will come in waves for while and catch me off guard with sweet memories and endless tears. It's just something I have to get thru. No shortcuts allowed. Meanwhile, please know how grateful I am for the kindness each of you showed my cat these many years. So very grateful. 

A guy dressed as a woman was locked up in my neighbor's garage...

I have some very weird next door neighbors. They are the house on the block that the police visit a couple of times a year.  A sea of people come and go all hours of day and night. There is something clearly nefarious going on there. 

Four years ago, the man's wife was found dead when paramedics arrived. This is what the police officer said when he knocked on my door. He wondered if I ever heard any domestic disturbances? 

After she died, the partner she left behind became unmoored. This is when the number of people who came and went dramatically increased. Late night parties happened more frequently. Then, the garage caught fire. The garage that sits a mere eighteen inches from my fence, 36 inches from my house, in flames.  Firefighters, with axes unfurled, raced across my front lawn that cold January and chopped down the double doors of the structure, causing a large flame to issue forth. But it was summarily extinguished with a brigade of fire extinguishers and a fire hose. 

The list is long of unsavory events and questionable house guests that have transpired since.

But what happened today was, by far, the weirdest most unexpected event, EVER.

My newest little foster dog was clearly upset by the people she could hear but not see that were on the other side of the fence. I listened from the back room to hear someone trying to pry and loosen the big garage door open. I heard a woman outside the garage yell, "I think there is a lever to your left that will open it."

Then I hear a voice inside the garage reply.

I decide to go stand next to the fence both to hear better and to maybe see something. The woman continues talking to someone inside the garage. A man with a limp joins her. He pulls a heavy trailer away from the door then uses a crowbar to get the door open. After a bit more pushing and prying, the door finally opens. I hear the guy with limp ask the person inside if they're ok. 

The man and woman step back and a man emerges. He is wearing black sweat pants that sag halfway down his ass. I recognize him as one the quasi street type people that frequent next door. But it is the rest of his outfit that stuns me. He's wearing a wife-beater type white tshirt and on top of that a bright pink fishnet sexy blouse. His hair is done up in pigtails and his face is painted to look like a woman. 

He talks gruff to the other two, directing them how to breakdown whatever had been set up inside.

A large box of items goes into the back of a pick up truck.

A flat panel is stored to the right of the garage. Something else is placed in a pile of junk.

Eventually I quit peering between the slats of the fence and went back inside. 

I have been trying to process ever since what it was that I just saw.